Being messily human is part of human work. Every couple of months, I find a space to take 24 hours or more to be on my own - to be in the joy and mess of me. This time it is at one of my favourite places in the world – Oakura Beach in Taranaki, Aotearoa, New Zealand.
And it’s helped me navigate something that gets in my way.
But first. This rapidly changing landscape in the world (I'm writing this on 10 February 2025) is impacting so many vulnerable and marginalised people.
I’m feeling the pain – desperately wanting to see compassion and love from places of power. And feeling powerless as one person.
And I know I’m not on my own. And for those of you who are mobilising – I see you and I’m grateful.
For me one of the effects of this pain and powerless experience is feeling stuck. I’ve found myself stuck in an old pattern for the past 10 days. Normally I can recognise it and work with it within a few days. But this time it’s taking me longer.
But today I made some progress and it feels more important to me to share vulnerably what the pattern is and what has shifted and then also what it makes available to me. At a time when I am craving expressions of authentic humanity, can I be brave?
So this is the pattern: I’m not proud about it, but it’s real and it has haunted me since I was a little girl. It’s the nexus between not belonging and not adding value.
I still have dreams from time to time leaving me with a familiar “being on the outside” feeling. And it’s voice can get louder than what I care most about. And that grates.
As each of the 10 days passes, I notice the “evidence” growing as I pay more attention to the stories. Yes I am looking for more evidence that I am right – that I don’t belong and I'm not adding value.
But there are many other parts to me. At my best, I remember that I am a channel of love. This has been a growingly loud voice over the past few years.
So I find myself holding this tension. Not belonging or adding value and attending to bringing love in my connections with my fellow humans.
The best move I have found is to really lean into the tension. Build my capacity to stay with it. Even though I just want to by-pass it.
Plenty of teachers have helped me navigate this tension in recent years. And so thankfully I find myself with some tools to help. One in particular I’ve been using today is recognizing the part of me that is not feeling belonging or adding value and yet yearns for it. And actively loving that part of me. Being with it in my body and loving that little girl who decided that belonging and adding value was deeply important And oh how she has served me well. I’ve learnt how to put a tonne of energy into belonging and adding value. It makes complete sense to me with my history why I have done this. One teacher recently invited me to invite this part of me, this vulnerable, scared part of me into the car with me. And to let her know she is loved and cared for and yet realise its not up to her to drive the car – she can come along for the ride, sitting in the back seat. Another teacher has had me sit with what is hard and painful. To feel it, to ask questions of it. To be deeply with it. I find all of this; the compassion, the welcoming, the leaning into the mess and discomfort and the positioning all helpful.
I’ve been gentle to all of me today as I sit with this.
And at the same time, tonight I have been listening to a wise teacher on the subject of love; Patrick Connor (I'm deeply grateful to Amy Fox for introducing me to Patrick's teachings - check out here if you want to listen to one: https://www.sharmadafoundation.net/dialogues). As I welcome rather than shun my “I don’t belong” and "I don't add value"part, I find my heart opening and remembering how important being a channel of love is for me. Through the tension I have found a way to be able to welcome in both parts of me. For now, being a channel of love is sitting in the front seat. And all of me is in the car. I’m feeling whole – warts and all. Look I'm not "done". I know there is more for me to heal here. But I am doing the work.
Finally, what is available when my heart is open to love is being able to be in the presence of a fellow human being and intentionally bring love. I find this so very helpful especially when I notice myself getting plugged in or finding my inner dialogue about what they are saying getting in the way of me being present for them. By actively inviting in love to the space in between us I can be the compassion and love I am looking for in the world.
That might be about all I can bring right now, but I know it makes a difference in the little part of the world I am bumping into.
Deep gratitude for all the teachers and amplifiers of love and compassion in the world. Sending love to you all as you navigate now.